First off, I would like to apologise to all my students for the interval between this and the last instalment of my series on improvised weaponry.

I’ve been drawn into a turf war between two Krav Maga schools in my region. Basically, I’ve had to go down there and level the playing friend with a bit of biffo. This happens from time to time when young and inexperienced Krav Maga instructors get back from a two week training stint in Israel. They mistakenly think they are the big dawg. Unfortunately, I don’t like anyone urinating on my hydrants, so I have to take ‘em back to school with some big clouts.

All rightee, let’s commence our lesson.

As I’ve already explained, our normal everyday environment is filled with objects that can be used as weapons. I believe there is no need to elaborate on this further. It’s a rule of general application that requires no further explanation other than a few more photographic examples.

Note on defences:

A good defence can often be used to overwhelm your opponent. As detailed in the explanation for the Dust Brush Defence, I once used the defence to stop a female assassin from using an ancient Chinese Kung-fu technique called Knife Hand to the Heart.

Not only did the defence prevent her from gaining access to my heart, but it gave me time to talk during the fight. After many incredible fighting moves, I subdued her. I then used another series of moves, this time sexual to woo her. I used my body and mind to capture her heart, and tame her sexually. She then returned to those who sent her and assassinated them.

This is the first article in a series that will explore the use of ad-hoc objects as effective and lethal weapons.

As you know, I am a master instructor of Krav Maga. In Krav Maga, we teach that any object can be used as a weapon when necessary. On that basis, potential weapons are everywhere around you, ready to be employed against would be assailants.

The best way to illustrate my point is with some scenarios, accompanied by some photos as usual.

Scenario 1.

Situation: You are accosted by an attacker in a restaurant

Suggested Action: Do not hesitate to grab a knife or chair and USE IT to defend yourself.

Example 2.

Situation: You are accosted by an attacker in your house. You are in the bedroom.

Suggested Action: Do not hesitate to grab your wife or boyfriend’s 12 inch black dildo and USE IT to defend yourself.

OK, so you get the idea. Let’s use some pictures.

Below are some photos showing me using a normal household object for both defense and attack.

Some of you may ask ‘why dustpans?’

First, I wanted to illustrate how any ordinary household object can be used.

Second, I used to have a career as a prominent cleaner. Late one night I was driving my van back from a cleaning job when some bikers cut me off. They really pissed me off, so I followed them back to their clubhouse. I cased the joint for a while, then I charged in like an angry bull. Using only a pair of dustpans, I messed up their shit royally and decked them all without getting so much as a scratch. That’s how boss I am with an improvised weapon in my hands. No one is left standing when Master Butch leaves the building.

I have had many emails from students begging me to fulfil my promise from a few days ago in Working the Groin. “Dear Master Butch“, they write, “how do I use the groin as a weapon? Please learn me the lesson how…”

To begin, the groin attack is simple on its face. Much like a head butt, you execute the groin attack by drawing your opponent in close, and then butting them with your groin using all your might.

Perhaps some photos will illustrate the steps best:

This is a great technique! Not only will it hobble an opponent, but it garners great respect from the males and females alike. Let it be known that I used this technique twice the night I met my wife. First, to ward off some bikey who was trying to shoot my ball on the pool table. Later, I used the same technique on the dance floor to woo my misses. Take the power out of the groin butt and it will become your greatest weapon in love. I used it on her many times while dancing, butting her about the booty and hip. After that, she was mine! In my teachings your will learn many techniques that are both deadly and erotic - depending upon how they are applied.

Now go and start practising applying the groin to anyone who deserves it, friend or foe!

Salutations punters! Today I’m going to document an ancient technique that has been employed in school yards and in hand-to-hand combat since ages past.

The crow peck is a technique that requires great skill. First, you must form a fist with the second joint of your index finger protruding. The index finger must be braced with the thumb to absorb the recoil of the peck. This will give your hand the basic shape required to “peck” you opponent or victim.

But the crow peck is not all about hand shape. It is also about technique. The peck must be delivered with great speed and power, and always to your opponent’s skull. I develop my crow pecking technique by crow pecking watermelons and pumpkins.

I want to share with you a little story of when I was training at the Shaolin temple in Henan Province, China. I had been training hard and long for many years. No one respected me. At every meal I would ask for more rice and I would be slapped for my trouble. One time, I asked Wang Long, the most senior monk, why I was fed so poorly. “How can I be strong?” I asked. His response was typically Zen. “When the crow pecks the egg, you may eat as you desire…”

I meditated on his statement for many months. When I had cleared my mind of the question, suddenly I knew the answer. I immediately climbed down from my snoozing tree, where I would hide and masturbate most days while the rest of the monks were out doing voluntary work. Carefully wrapping loin cloths around my feet, I snuck up upon Wang Long while he was at prayer. Like a cobra, I struck out and delivered cracking crow peck to Wang Long’s bald head. He groaned like a constipated baby soiling its nappy. For many weeks he wore the bruise from my crow peck on his head and at every meal I ate as much as I desired.

Below are some photos showing the proper crow peck form. Observe and learn.

Many students often ask me if one should kiai in the Japanese fashion when executing a Crow Peck. My answer is that one can kiai, however it is much more effective if one shouts “BOO-YAH” immediately after the crow peck to help the victim savour the pain.

Note also that crow pecks can be delivered from any angle. Since I am confrontational, I often deliver them face-to-face. However, many of you should begin by delivering them from behind.

Sometimes beginners are frustrated because they only learn boring techniques for months (or even years) before they learn the truly deadly techniques that their masters jealously guard.

My style is different. I like to go out on a limb and mix it up, so today I’m going to reveal an awesome technique that will take down your opponents every time GUARANTEED!

I truly love to work the groin. All my students know it, and so does the wife. I am fascinated by the groin and have a massive collection of techniques to both attack, stimulate and heal our most sensitive region. Working the groin is so powerful because the same techniques can be toned down and used for erotic purposes in the bedroom, bush parks and on the street.

Here I will reveal just a few of my awesome attacks focused on the groin.

The great thing about the groin is that it’s a great target in your opponent, however, it can also be one of your most powerful weapons. Tomorrow I will reveal my technique of using the groin as a weapon.

Today’s technique is the basic karate punch.

This is a very basic technique so I will not overly explain it. The best way for you to learn it is to punch something (a bag, a wall or a kumite partner) 1000 times a day for the rest of your life. Most senseis never really master the basic punch as I have. My knowledge of it is intimate and my punching power is extraordinary. The true secret behind the mega punching technique is to use your hip, shoulder and your inner essence. If you study my teachings closely, in time you will understand what this really means.

Observe following photos to see the punches in action.:

Now go and do your 1000 punches and don’t forget to kiai!

Today’s essential training tip is to NEVER eat soup before training. If possible, consume ONLY a diet of rice, dried fruits, grains and meats when training hard.

If memory serves me correctly, I was training in Yokohama Japan during the scorching hot summer of 99. It was blisteringly hot and I would regularly visit a small Chinese soup shack for breakfast and lunch. There I would load up on every occasion with at least two large bowls of Chinese Wanton Soup or Vietnamese Pho (pronounced ‘Fur’). In my soups I would ALWAYS add many sliced fresh hot chillies, together with at least a tablespoon of chilli paste and a dash of chilli oil. To this day, I’m a firm believer in the notion that the spicier one’s food, the more manly and virile one is.

After such meals it was not unusual for my stomach to rumble; however, the nutrients and spices gave me immense power during training in the dojo. My katas were always flawless and my kumite vastly superior to all the Japanese students who challenged me.

Yet on this particular hot day, the dojo was practising a ‘toughening’ routine where each student (and master) would take turns standing in horse stance at the front of the dojo. The whole class would then line up and take turns executing a technique to the person’s stomach. On this occasion, it would either be a kick or a punch.

This exercise was not new to me, for I was in fact its inventor. I savoured the agony and relished giving pain to others even more. But on this day, a particularly powerful sensei called Master Oyama was there. He delivered a smashingly powerful front kick to my solar plexus. In tensing my muscles during my kiai, I warded off injury and pain, but unfortunately shat my gi (uniform). In true warrior fashion, I continued with the exercise despite my massively soiled gi. After class, I of course ordered several yellow belts (pitiful beginners) to mop up my pool of excrement.

Since I was known for being such as badass, no one dared to laugh to my misfortune that day. However during the night I felt shamed. I resolved to repair the situation the next evening at the dojo.

At the next training session after stretching, I ordered the members of the dojo to surround me in a ring. I then engaged in full contact kumite with the whole dojo and smote the lot of them. Needless to say, I was particularly hard on Master Oyama and many of the members of the dojo went home without teeth or passed much blood in the days that followed.

Since then I have forbidden myself to eat soup before training and have become famous for my wisdom in respect of martial art training diets. I always eat plenty of steak and chips, or hamburgers supplemented with handfuls of currents, sultanas or sushi to bind myself internally and gain the necessary power for busting heads. Not long after the incident at the dojo, my fame spread and now eating such fare is called the “Master Iron Bowels Fighting Diet” in Southern Japan. In 2002, the Japanese government mandated that all national Karate teams must adhere to a similar diet for two months before any event.

In conclusion, I highly recommend that you avoid soups before training at all cost and adopt the “Master Iron Bowels Fighting Diet”.

Today’s technique is a truly awesome and effective attack. In this article I will showcase two different slapping techniques.

First, I would like to introduce the Japanese Slap. I actually invented this while training with a karate master in Japan. He was very old and he ONLY advocated traditional techniques such as punches and kicks etcetera. During Kumite (組手), which is Japanese for sparring, I surprised my old master with a cracking slap to the face. The whole dojo was stunned! It was an audacious and new technique. From that day, I became the master of that style worldwide.

Second, I would like to introduce the Legionnaire Slap. I learned this technique while serving in the French Foreign Legion, where it is used extensively for discipline. It should be noted that the French are very fond of slapping and they employ it generally as a way of communicating in their society. Its origins come from the Latin roots of their language and their inability to express their boiling passions without physical expressions. I have often heard it said that “French men slap, but do not punch”. Perhaps this is true…

In any case, the Legionnaire Slap should be distinguished from the Japanese Slap in the following respects:

• The Japanese Slap is very swift, using a short sharp and powerful movement. In contrast, the Legionnaire Slap is executed with much more shoulder and a very much wider swing.
• The Japanese Slap is ALWAYS executed with a Kiai (気合), which is Japanese for battle cry.
• The Legionnaire Slap does not have to have any accompanying words, but when I execute it I generally shout ‘putain!‘ which is a French curse word literally translated as ‘whore!’.
• Of the two slaps, the key difference really is in the attitude. The Japanese Slap should be given with graciousness, as if you are honouring your opponent. The Legionnaire Slap is quite different. The Legionnaire Slap MUST be delivered with panache, which translates as flamboyant self-assurance or flair.

Since I am very flamboyant, I generally use the Legionnaire Slap and have dispensed with many a doorman who has attempted to challenge me while out on the piss.

Note: These techniques must be executed with precision and power. If not executed correctly, be prepared to LEG IT!

Before You Can Fight You Must Learn To Walk

Yes, it is true. Just like a big baby, you must first learn to walk before you can take on the world.

Compared to me, your skills are so under-developed, I must first teach you to stand.

Behold the stances I advocate in my style:

Strength IS Important

As you can see from my photos, my body is a honed tool and deadly instrument.

This is essential not only for training, but also in attracting a partner for mating rituals.

In order to achieve my level of virility and power, follow my weight and strength training techniques below.